


Outside

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-02
Updated: 2003-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:34:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Second narrative. Justin's thoughts after he leaves both Ethan and Brian. More attention to Brian, though. Not a happy ending.





	Outside

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Closing the door behind you, you lean your forehead against the doorframe. Hands curl into tight fists as you let your detached behavior evade yourself and you feel the familiar tickling sensation of tears on your eyes, threatening to spill over onto your flesh.

 

Letting the tears fall, you make your way towards your bed, throwing your coat onto the ground and grabbing the hem of your shirt with your hands, lifting it over your head and letting it fall to the ground before beginning your journey to your pants. Pants undone, you toe off your shoes and socks, leaving them on your small trail towards your santuary, pants quickly following.

 

**And you  
Bring me to my knees  
Again  
All the times  
That I could beg you please  
In vain**

 

Clutching the comforter, you jerk them downward, venting your anger towards the innocent sheets, heave yourself onto your cheap bed and throw the covers up to your shoulders, as far as they would go. Closing your eyes once again, the tears make their trails down your temples from you lying on your back. You use the back of your hand to swipe at your nose, hoping to derail emotional hiatus. No such luck there as your body begins to shake from the enormity of your sobs.

 

**But I'm on the outside  
I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside your ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you**

 

Ugly. You are ugly. Not on the outside, of course not, after all, your blonde, blue eyed, and have a fabulous ass. On the inside, is a horrible, disgusting and vile creature, wrecking havoc upon those who try to help you. You hate yourself and you hate Brian. No. That's a lie. You could never hate Brian. You loved him. You love him. After Ethan, you bought yourself your own should-be demolished most likely rat infested apartment. You live there. Alone. The way it should be. Just you...and your tears.

 

**All the times  
That I felt like this won't end  
It's for you  
And I taste  
What I could never have  
It was from you  
All the times  
That I've cried  
My intentions  
Full of pride  
But I waste  
More time than anyone**

 

Time. Seems that's all you have now. Time. To do nothing but think about Brian. God, how you wish you could get him out of your head. It would be so much better. Debbie's constantly chipper, trying to thaw at your emotionless behavior, but she just doesn't get it. Emotionless is how you are supposed to be. After all, your just a stupid god damn twink who should mind his own god damn business. Stupid twink who over-stayed his visit to Kinney-land. Thank-you for your service, but you won't be required any longer. God damn narcissistic asshole. But you figured it out. Yeah. You're both ugly on the inside. Yet different ugly. He's ugly from the abuse that's been brought upon him. The abuse that you helped. Oh god. Your the ugly abuser...ugly on the inside. Ugly god damn abuser. Yet you saw to the real Brian Kinney. If only for alittle awhile.

 

**But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you**

 

And now, you're lying in bed all alone, thinking about what a mean person you are, hoping and praying to whoever will listen to give Brian a happy life without you trying to tear him down. He deserves it after all he's had to put up with you. You ruined two relationships. The only relationships that you ever had. You think you should stop. No more relations. Brian was right. Their stupid anyway. You shouldn't be happy for all that you've done. You wish, and not for the first time, that Chris Hobbs had killed you on the cold cement. It would have been better. Yeah. No more relationships for you. You ponder Brian's rules and come up with them being not so bad after all. Yeah. No relationships, names, numbers, holidays, emotion, people getting close, twinks who over stay their welcome, and no repeats. Yeah. You're thinking that'll be just fine. And those are you're last thoughts as you drift off into a dreamless sleep, with only your red rimmed eyes, stuffed nose and tear stained cheeks.

 

**All the times  
That I've cried  
All this wasted  
It's all inside  
And I feel  
All this pain  
Stuffed it down  
It's back again  
And I lie  
Here in bed  
All alone  
I can't mend  
But I feel  
Tomorrow will be OK**

**But I'm on the outside  
And I'm looking in  
I can see through you  
See your true colors  
'Cause inside you're ugly  
You're ugly like me  
I can see through you  
See to the real you**

* * *

[Song by Staind, "Outside".]  



End file.
